When I Stare into my Own Eyes!

I stared at the mirror wanting to know what everyone would see for the day. I perused into my own eyes. I appreciated the dark shade that encircles them. I saw how my pupil are indifferent to the figure they are looking at. My forehead seems to have developed new contours. My cheeks looked to weigh twice more than the other day. Perhaps, the deepening of my eyes into the bones marked their prominence. I wanted to check my practiced smiles. My trials were ineffective. I sighed the breath I held for a while. I did not feel relieved a bit. I touched my hair for the last time. I gave myself a reassuring nod to function for one more day. Since I looked at myself well, I will not worry wondering what they might be watching for the day. I departed from my reflection to grab my bag from the table.

The morning sun strikes my face the moment I got out of my home. I wished the warmth to melt the heaviness of my face. I walked down the road in my usual pace despite the disappointment I felt. I consoled myself for it will be the first of the many for the day. My morning thoughts went on to wonder. Suddenly, I came to realize that I am just reflecting the light like a bottle. A bottle of venom waiting to spill itself any moment. The sun can only warmth my venom to freshen the simmering fluid once again. It can never break the barrier into pieces. Though the realization was not liberating, I was amazed by the accuracy of the analogy. After today, the moment I start talking, I will be reminded of the little venom sprays I’m spreading. For some reason, that made me grin. It would be the first of many involuntary grins I have to endure, I hoped as well as resented.

I usually rise early. But, my mind awakens late. I always suffer the trauma of waking up the instant my eyes are open. My body will operate accordingly to the time I have. But my brain, oh my brain! It suffers deeply for all the things I will make it endure. It takes a while for my mind and body to operate together. Even after the union, my brain usually wanders a lot. But it needs the miracle of the coffee spill to attach them for once!

I envy the days I loved the sunrise. I reminisce the days I thought dawn was the symbol of hope for everyone out there. I long for the days my brain and body interlaced to one another. Because now, when I stare into my eyes, I don’t see the deep brown pupils lodged in the white surface along with the red stripes. I see the hate, remorse, and resentment of this thing called life. I see how much I do not understand the abstracts. Life, love, wisdom, beauty, loss, death, justice, etc. All the things I can barely touch, but seek definitions of. The simplest definitions I used to provide have left me bereft. In the candid moments, when I stop making myself bear the pain of existence, I giggle in my definitions. I pity myself for the simplest thinking. I do not wish to award the complexity of my thoughts, though. I no longer believe in encouraging any behavior. I just continue to exist, until I do not!

When I stare into my own eyes, despite what lays there, I wish to see the simple lies I used to tell myself. Or the tale all the people tell without knowing. I wish to open my eyes to the societal lies we all succumb to. Dear reader, I wished to finish this paragraph without being a realist or cynic. I kid you not I tried. But the mere beauty of my existence is the fact I do not yield to the conventions. That is the very reason that gives me joy in some of my days. So, when I stare into my eyes, I would like to see the crooked world I have to see for the day. I would live to see reality knocking on the doors of many. I wish to see my insomniac eyes trying to go through the brightness of the morning in complete disgust. Nothing more, and nothing less!