I know how this sounds, Easier, simpler may be. But that’s all I want you to do. Just let me go. May be everyone is asking – To hold them tight, To grab their hands. But, unlike everyone- I want you to let me go!
Whenever we found ourselves- on the rock bottom of ‘life’, I bet we all ask this question- What if I did that? What if I haven’t chosen that path, I think I could’ve made it better, What if I could fix this mistake. We’ll be surrounded by our own circle of what ifs And believe me, that’s not a good place! It’s always a conundrum. If you’re at that point of your life, Same here! I’m already there. Don’t be shy. And feel free!
But you know what I always wonder, Although there’s no exact place, A so called ‘up in the air’ ‘Flawless,perfect, fancy and all’ I wonder the what ifs of those people. Do they really wonder just like us? Would they challenge themselves with the same questions? Is there anything thing they say ‘I wouldve’? May be they might, Or may be not.
The whole idea is scary, perhaps. But, you know what scares me most, The ‘impossible what if’s What if I achieve all the things I dreamt of? What if I become that person I wanted to become, What if all my fantasies become real? What if the version of what I thought was best, Becomes an actual beast. Driven by money, power or education. What if I become one of those people? I ain’t wanna see the picture,
On the other side, What if I become all the things I couldn’t heal from? What if those are the things which made up what I’m now. That’s the impossible what if I’m scared of. With many possible answers. And ofcourse I don’t know how to face that what if. I don’t think I’m dealing with any of it anyway. But who knows?! There’s no impossible what if in the first place?
I don’t know how it started, Or where it started exactly. I don’t remember how we got here, It feels like yesterday though. I don’t recall the moment I let you in, I don’t recognize who I’ve become now.
All I know is this- It was casual. Free, not coerced at all. It just flowed out of us, perhaps. Then, we called it friendship. We shook on it, We did, didn’t we? It, then, just flowed. We let it become, What it has become.
Who cares about beginnings anyway? What matters is now, right? Because, now only matters.
You let me in- I’m not peeking through holes anymore, The same way you’re not watching me through a peephole. We opened the doors of our mind And fear is right behind us, For both of us- I think we surpassed it though, Now we’re at the gate of the puzzle, Getting closer, every day!
Whatever we are now, Friends, best friends may be. Far more than acquaintance, definitely. A bit less than family, I guess. I don’t want us to become reminiscences. I don’t want “now” to become a memory of a kind. I don’t want us to recall moments- Spots, jokes we laughed at- Which by the way I didn’t get at first(the jokes), The long walks we had, Strange imaginations we shared, Weird thoughts and ideas we had.
See, this is what I don’t want us to be. I don’t want us to be some sort of treasured memory. I want us to remain, Like this, Like now! Me rolling my eyes, You hmmm’ing at what I say. I wish it would be a constant.
Although, they say change is the only constant, In this dynamic universe. I don’t want us to change. I want us to grow. I can’t tell where that’s, I can’t pinpoint it on a map. But I want us to grow into a bliss, So then, we won’t become reminiscence.
Many of us think Motion is what makes us alive. Something moving or twitching, even Then it’s alive. Who cares about the inside? Who cares about the filth he’s carrying around? As long as it’s moving.
But- If that’s how it works, Are you gonna tell me that trees are dead? Just because they’re motionless? Trees don’t move, yeah. That wouldn’t make them less alive though. They’re alive more than any of us. With their graceful appearance, Breathing out life- Breathing in the intoxicating air of ours. Yeah motionless, but alive!
What makes life peculiar? Or death bizarre? All of us are drawn into- Curiosity of the unknown!
You know what makes us abstruse about life? Why we wonder about the universe? Why we are here? Why we all came here and all? Because we’re being drawn to the unknown. Just like a moth to light! We just ran into it, Without thinking about it, We all flew into it.
Here’s what makes me wonder though- If we are drawn to the unknown, Why not death, too? If it’s all about curiosity, We know nothing about the great beyond either. No clue or hint. Amazingly, we know that it’s inevitable- None of us are gonna escape from it anyway.
It’s easier though, right? To make yourself believe, That life would get better rather than- Facing the real challenge and pain.
Now, it’s hard for me- To say unbeknown is a factor here. We’re always in wonderin’ That life is gonna be better. Even when we know nothing about it. We think that life is a winner, Even when it actually isn’t.
My stand is though, I have far more curiosity, For Mr. Death than Ms. Life. I wonder how the great beyond looks like!
Everything starts with a step, they say. You wanna get to the rooftop, Then, definitely, take a step! You want to reach the first floor, Then, take a step. One step, a single step. One day at a time!
I wonder though- If this is really how it works for wounds, For healing or recovery, Would that work? Or is it an imagination?
After being smashed down, Broken apart and fallen into pieces? Would that work on you too? When the last thing you own, The last thing you possess, Is your own brokenness, Would it work?
Can fragments actually build a wall? What are you gonna do with the pieces? Are you planning to plaster them? Just like puzzles? Would that actually work? How do you know the next piece, Is actually that comes next?
So, then what? Are you planning to smash it even more? Then, you can start all over again?! I am not an experiment! I am a Human, Broken, but still human! I feel pain with every smashin’!
Okay, let’s say it does work. What kind of wall do you wanna build? Wall of fragments!? A wall that can’t handle a tiny blow? A little storm, even.
Where in the world did you see- Recycled things to be bold? Let me break it to you! It’s just a delusion. Perhaps, an imagination. The ‘idea of building a wall from fragments’?! What’s the point of trying so hard? Just to see it falling down, All over again? I honestly don’t know!
They say, YOU are everywhere, There’s no place that YOU won’t be, There’s nothing that can hold YOU back, They say YOU can overcome every battle and war, They say YOU’RE never late. Isn’t this enough, then? My own silence is disturbing me, even. The one thing I loved most. Can silence make noise? Can silence be so disturbing you want to stop it? Can silence be so irritating? The one thing I cherished. Did YOU take that away from me? Did YOU have to do that too?
I want to scream, I want to yell and say- Where are YOU? Are YOU even listening? Are YOU even looking? But I can’t. All I can do is to scream, but silently. And believe me, that’s the worst. But the hope is- May be YOU would listen to that. May be YOU would hear to my silent screams. I hope YOU do!
Winter is followed by spiring, Just like darkness is followed by light. Is this my winter season? Is that why misery becomes my friend? Is that why my tears are flowing? Is the spring coming? Will I see the Daffodil season? Will I be alive by then? Would I survive the stormy hurricane? Is the spring coming to my rescue? Or am I just a lost cause amidst the chaos?
Here’s my only request then, I would be happy if I could see a single Daffodil. That’s my one and only request, My last word, perhaps!
They say, war is hell! True, it really is. I’ve never been in one- But I can imagine, One person using a weapon on another, Where humanity actually dies, Ideology matters more than lives. Of course war is hell! I’ve never been in one. I mean the actual one. I never had a weapon or gun, I don’t have holes and scars ’cause of war.
But here’s what I know; There’s a war inside my head. My mind has become a battlefield since forever, I don’t exactly know what they’re fighting about, All I know is this. There’s a bloody war. Bloody enough to weaken every bone in my body, To suck out air from my every organs. This war in my head, It broke me apart into pieces. I’m in fragments now.
From what I gathered, The battle is about survival. Mr. Death vs Ms. Life. And I think death is winning, They say life is stronger. But when it comes to me, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. Death has gone too far, Life is chasing it right behind him. My unconscious world supports death- Bringing memories and proving death’s arguments. Telling to my conscious one, That it’s already been won. But for some unknown reason, Ms Life is still fighting it. I don’t know why though. This has taken long enough. I want it to end any minute now. Even if it ends now, I don’t know which fragment of me- Is still alive. So, I’m rooting for Mr.Death too. I wish he would win. Sorry,Ms. Life you’ve struggled enough, It’s better if you take a break now!
They ask who I am? Where I came from? Believe me, I’ve asked that question- Millions of times by now. I don’t think I have the answer now either, But here’s something close I came up with. I am a HUMAN! A collection of bones in a sack, With few muscles on the bones, And fluids flowing through it! I am human! Full of flaws and faults. Imperfect in so many ways. Weak, very weak! Weakened by multiple wars. And I’m lost. I am so lost, I don’t even know where I stand. I am someone who started a journey- Called life! But got lost amidst the adventure.
So that’s who I’m. When I look in the mirror, When I see my own reflection, This is what I see. Someone who has lost everythin’ Full of regrets and baggage, Tears and wounds! Just a bag of bones, Trying to stand straight- In front of the mirror!