A Little Better


In life, not all things are strifes.
Life could taste
like the first sip
of morning coffee—
a wake-up
call, a burning,
an embracing
warmth of a sunny morning .

In love, not everything is pain
Or a heartbreak and disdain.
It can be a refreshing realm
Of a serene domain.
A warmth for cold cracks
Of our heart creases.

My mind sometimes wonders,
To the life that’s not bitter,
A love that’s a healer,
And a world a little better.


What About God?


Exactly.
What about God?
What is it now?
What is it always?
If no God exists,
It itches.
If a God exists,
It creeps.
If none of it bothers,
It hinges.

What, then?
What about God?
If I were to write
Whatever I want
Whatever I desire
What is it really about God
That exhausts and tires?
What is it about him
Uncompelling. Uninteresting. Undesirable.
The power?
The tantalizing existence?
Because he hides even when he exists?
Because he manipulates and ghosts?
Or is it because he intimidates
Without really saying a word?
He never communicates
Not in a straightforward sense, anyway.

It’s not hate.
Nor is it spite
It is a matter of fact
A way to think about
A mere wonder to fret.
What is it, though?
What is it about God?
That itches. That bothers. And that creeps.

Unfolding


How do we fall apart?
How do we fall in love?
Where do we go when we feel pain?
Where lies the specters of ache?
The glimpse of a bliss?
The crest of sadness?
The edges of happiness?
The realms of marvels?
Between rising and falling,
Crushing and thriving,
The whelms and the peaks,
Where lies, the resilience?
The pose. The quest. The recess.
In the untold mysteries of life,
We unfold the untold,
Redeem the lost,
Rewind the present,
And plot the rest.


Treadmill Tales: The Value of Value


I remember the first day I ran on a treadmill. It was a Tuesday afternoon in the gym. I signed up the day before to be more active or something like that. And of course, after a little warm-up, the trainer led me to the treadmill. What can I say?! It was a thrilling experience. The lane beneath my feet kept sliding so fast I barely could breathe or keep up with it. Yet, I didn’t fall. I stumbled a little and I kept going at it. And I sometimes wonder if life is just a non-ending treadmill.

Life has been an adventurous game for me. Not in the way some people say it. I didn’t live vicariously through outdoor experiences like that of skydiving or paragliding. None of the sorts where I would have a surge of adrenaline. But in a way, I had to adjust and readjust too many times. Yes, I feel out of place or trapped in a glass box where I can see unto my life but never experience it. But in the gliding reality of my life, I keep wondering if the world would ever be enough for the slow runners on the giant treadmill.

So, I wonder;

Is the world truly accommodating for the slow runners? For pessimists? The non-believers? The passives? The readers? The academicians? The non-influencers? The invisible ones? The list is unending.

Do not misconstrue these ideas. I am not all of those things, of course. I just keep wondering if the world is truly a home for the thinkers who sit over an idea for a decade or more. The academicians who romanticize theoretical flares even when they don’t provide a comprehensive answer. Is the world accommodating for those who are more intrigued by books rather than 30-second videos? What are the fates of the non-believers? Those who do not get moved by the idea that tomorrow is better? In a way, everybody knows tomorrow is a little bit worse than today. But is the world really accommodating to those who reflect this out loud? Or am I just blinded by the apocalypse fetish Freud mentioned? Is it wrong to be a pessimist? Or is it one of those things where the majority wins? 

I do not suppose no one has full answers to any of the questions. Neither am I trying to answer them all. One thing remains unanswered though. The unquenched thirst for authenticity! Value on and in itself! Beyond the unending treadmill, isn’t there something worth better? That can be valued as best? Can you find your true self in a rushed and paced set of worlds? Or in a serene and quieter setting? In a world where value is not valued anymore, where does value lie? Where do I find it? Everywhere or nowhere?

Seasons


Quiet mornings,
Silent evenings,
Chaotic days,
And forever long winters.
Have I ever changed like seasons,
I would’ve become a better person,(Maybe).
After all, change is the only prison
Or the only constant
In this world of ours.

C’est la vie


I suppose I am happy, as well.
Across the myriad of sadness,
An unsorted kaleidoscope of fickleness,
Amidst the converged painful thoughts and memories,
I am doomed, nay, destined to embrace,
My imbibed happiness.
For however long it may be,
Once or twice, or just sometimes.

If it weren’t for the loss of accuracy,
An exact equivalence for what is what,
A mere loss of definition,
I would have certainly known,
Rather than suppose,
Or pry and wonder.

Nevertheless, today, now, here –
I reckon I am in vigour.
In undaunted revere.
For I can see beyond the despair.
[For now, perhaps]

Wonder


We know not ourselves, do we?
For every moment we think of
To have known ourselves,
To have it all figured out,
We meet the un-luminated abstract,
Unexplored fright,
Untamed rage,
Unconquered wit,
And sometimes unrealized fact.
For every moment we dared to have known,
We subdue and retreat,
All the way back to the start!

It’s all a Story!


“It’s cracking,” she said in a mundane tone. 

“You do realize the clock is ticking, then,” said Dolly lifting her legs upon the chair. “I see you are making yourself rather comfortable.” Angel continued. “So what?! I built myself a home at the top of a tree, and I knew the tree was hanging only for two decades or more. Sue me, I love life with an expiry date.” 

“Yes. Yes. You symbolized a house at the top of a tree to mean what? That you’re a misanthrope? No…no, that you’re a philanthropist and this was you doing the world a huge favor?!”

“Ha ha, Dolly! I do not condone your sarcasm. I will never expose my secrets of why I built my own house. I wish to see you boil yourself in prospected theories of why I did what I did.”

“Oh, shut up. This is not the time for drama.”

“For shame, Dolly. For shame! In the last 23 years, we have made our lives great with drama, enlightened speeches, and great judgments of ourselves. And now we are at the end, you wish to leave me stale?! Is that what you are up to?”

“I am not one for avoiding drama, of course. But I am, for once, denying denial. We can be sentimental or true to our innermost thoughts since we are literally to fall apart by falling down from this tree.”…Another huge crack broke Dolly’s speech and the floor. They are hanging slightly now. Yet, both seem comfortable at their post. Dolly is hugging the book she was reading for the last time. She folded her arms tightly around the book, almost hugging herself. She can hear her heart racing. But she is not scared of death. She was never scared of death. ‘Dying is the most natural thing in this world,’ was the title of her old notebook. She romanticized death and passion way too much back then. But right now, she figured her body is only reacting to extenuating circumstances around her.

“Okay, if we were to deny denial right now, what would you suppose to say?” Angel inquired. 

“I would ask you a series of questions.”

“Like what?”

“Why do you like stories?”

“Because, the universe is made of stories, not atoms.”

After a bit of a gasp, Dolly continued to ask. “Were you ever part of your own stories?”

“In those, I wrote or the one I lived?”

“Whichever?”

“In the one, I lived in, I was barely part of it. For the most part, I was an outsider. A third person to the moments and happenings. I am usually too passive to take part and be present while happening. I bet if I was ever part of the stories I wrote, I was the gutless, cowardly creature whom every reader would hate.”

“I don’t see much of a difference between you and your characters, then? Did I misconstrue?”

“I cannot tell. I believe my character would be more alive because of the ink that traced her in great detail. I, on the other hand, is the unfinished piece where the idea of me is alive only in the head of the artist. While in reality, I am the portrait you would never show to anyone else.”

Dolly closed her eyes and tried to compose her next question. It felt like she is stalling the last hours with words. And then she heard it. The rain is starting to pour on their hanging home. ‘This is it,’ she thought to herself. All of a sudden, her mind was engulfed with nostalgia. Rainy days were always her favorite. “Do you think the self is a misconception of our own perception?” She almost whispered the question while resting her neck on the couch.

“Oh, yes. More often than not, I think we perceive ourselves in the wrong. Ideally, in a way we would like to be perceived. Or the right standards as put by someone else. I don’t think we ever managed to get close to our true selves no matter how hard we try.”

“Do you think, then, the perception of others about us is true”

“Well, I think that is the paradox. Who are the others? If you ask your nemesis, your menace would suffocate you till you die. If you asked your friend /lover, your flaws would be overlooked greatly.”

“What if you asked both?” Posed Dolly.

“Huh?! I have never considered that. But yeah, why not?”

A lengthy silence splashed in the room. The room is getting cold. The rain is creating a rhythm with the air, the earth, and all the unfallen things in the room. Both are humming a song without opening their eyes. 

“Why do you think they build ledges if it weren’t for jumpers?” Angel laughed at her own thoughts. 

Dolly slightly smiled and said, “There are few who seize their days at the last minute, perhaps.” She smirked.

“Carpe Diem, indeed” nodded Angel. “Isn’t life more of letting go, though, rather than seizing?” She added after a while. The crack is extending fiercely. Quickly. They are looking at each other, their tiny home for the last two decades, and then the town. It is awfully quiet. The rain is getting stronger, now.

“I would like to believe it is both,” said Dolly after a while of contemplation. “Or maybe you seize while letting go. I don’t think there is ever a moment where you ultimately be one of the two.”

“Hmm…that is probably true.” Angel conceded.

The room is empty now. They are probably left with few minutes. They are both wondering whether to speak or to absorb the moment as it is. “Moment of Candor,” Dolly broke the silence. “Solitude was never the enemy. It was the isolation that was brutal. I often think we, probably, judged ourselves harshly. And I think we could have managed to obtain solitude without necessarily isolating our lives in its entirety.”

“Was that what you intended to say at the last minute?” Angel arranged her spectacles.

“Not per se,” Dolly hesitated. “I think it has been dawning on me for more than a while I think.”

Angel quietly sat on her couch. She is not hyped as she was few hours ago. She is just there, also not there simultaneously. 

The next day, the magazine was read as follows:

An elderly tree has been found fallen as a result of the heavy rain from yesterday. According to the reports, a woman was found dead while hugging a book inside. The neighbors couldn’t recognize this woman even though it has been apparent she lived in that tree for more than two decades. The posthumous notes found have shown that the woman kept every record of her life including the very last minutes. A heavy box was also retrieved which was labeled as “It is all a story!” 

Rise to Love


Why don’t we rise to love
Instead of falling into it?
Is love a trap to clip
The wings of infinitude?
Or is it the ultimate state
Where all infinite feelings coalesce?
If, as supposed, love is great,
Why fall into the rubble
In a movement of down spiral,
Rather than ascend
To the atop beyond?

Interim

Would my words, only, grasp
The memoir of the past
While evading the present
Devoid-ing the future?

Would my words hold
These moments of departure
Into the realm of now and then?

Would my words portray
The wander in my head
The roars of my heart
The emptiness of my soul
The stretch of my nights
And the void of my long days?

Would my words capture
All that my eyes devour?
The endless and the unbound,
Also the limited and the confound,
The unrestrained interim?

Would my words exist
In between of the two;
The beyond and the vanished
Without lodging in the present?
Is there a way to escape
The here and now,
Yet, venture in today?

Would my words flow
In the reign of tomorrow
Yet, howl the rain of the bygone?

Would my words bleed
The anguish of my wander
To hide from the heed
Of the uncontrolled further?

Would my words allow
The tales of my interim
Within the raid of the flow
In the tides of the morrow?

If (when), given a choice to be-
Offensively honest or hypocritically nice,
And if these two were the only options,
Which one would weigh the balance more?
The potentially stinging pain brought by the brutal truth,
Or-
The nice, tension-free, but insincere moment?
The unkind gesture which could either build or halts your relationship,
Or-
The uncandid revolt of keeping things in rhythm?
Would you rather rip the band-aid at instant,
Or-
Keep the pain coming to your scarred skin?
Candid or Pleasant?
Your move!

The Meticulous Disarray

Life is spontaneous,
Incalculable and unplanned, they say.
And yet,
They shower me with order and pattern,
For the constant confusion I endure.
For the chaotic mess I can’t even reckon.
Why pattern, if spontaneous?
Why conscientious, if it is destined for mess?
Why meticulous, if it’s a disarray?

The Hero Choice

Would life be easier if we were always given an ultimatum? It sometimes looks like we have to make choices out of two options. But, more often than not, we choose amongst many. The unnamed so many factors always act upon us to be chosen. If there was a possible way to reduce all life choices into two ultimatums, would the headache lessen? Or would we drive ourselves crazy more? The third or the unknown option is always a hero of choices. Even when someone starts talking us into it, it is usually presented as the savior of the day. The bravest one of all! So, here is the wonder: if we suppose ultimatums are the perks in making the best choices, then reducing the list of choices to the bare minimum level is obligated. But here is the hero choice of the day. What if we can choose more than one? Or worse, what if we don’t choose at all? The irony, not making a choice is in fact a choice, is well implied. And yet, what if we choose nothing? Ultimatum or no choice at all!

If I were a Melody…

“I used to be someone else. Someone who was comfortable with talking. Someone who played with the strings of beautiful words. Someone who did this and that. But then I sank into the dark abyss of my soul, I forgot the existence of the world around me. My eyes are now nearsighted for the universe of my own. I barely talk. Words have forsaken me. I can’t utter a single thing well. That could explain why I like my own company more than anything. I wish to utter words on my paper to see the flow of my thoughts well. I want my words to paint the roadmap of my train of thoughts. But, o my words! They left me behind in the constant perplexed illusion of myself. I can’t even recognize which is reality or ideation. I’m just left to wander in this unknown, untouched part of myself without a hint of light. Even when I’m awake, it feels like I’m sleep walking through my life. This is why I do not want to talk. The war I have inside of me doesn’t put me at liberty to say things. I’m in fact afraid of what I might say if I open my mouth. I do not wish to say the things like you ache me, your presence suffocate me or your words wound me. I just want…I just want an absolute silence.” She sighed. Almost in a relief of the heavy words she uttered. It felt like the words were burying her down. And now she is liberated. But then, what now?

She ran to her room as if she were running away from the previous few minutes. She stood behind the door,trying to collect her thoughts. Her breathing has fastened. She felt her pulse racing. “Why did I open my mouth? Why? Why?” She stared at the wall waiting for a response. She started pacing around the room. Counted her steps. Right, left. Left, right. “Oh my God!” She sighed with a shiver. She then scurried to her bed and hid under the blanket. In the absolute darkness where she can only hear herself without distraction. She felt relief for no one followed her after the speech she had given. She wanted to think of the reason why. But forced all the thoughts back and convinced herself just to lie down in the darkness.

“If I were a melody,” her mind started wondering. This was already the next day and she started scribbling on her notebook. “If I were a melody, I would’ve spent my whole life in a beautiful box. I would sing out the beautiful notes when needed. But for the rest of the time, I will be locked out in my box.” She went on. “I have always thought, when you play a pianoforte, you’re feeling the depth of your heart at the tip of your fingers. Even though your fingers are only doing the magic, your heart is pounding and pouring itself out. Your soul is dancing it’s way through. Only your body is stuck in some fixed position allowing your fingers to move along. In elegance, yet in passion.” She paused for a minute. Then continued again. “But as someone who never played it, but watched many skilled ones perform it with love and passion, I must think that’s how they feel about it. In fact it’s usually said virtuoso musicians lose themselves in the music and zone out from the reality. They become buried inside the box as if they were the melody and the rhythm itself. As the string move, you hear the beat of their soul. That seems to be easy to run away from reality. You just hid in the box.” “Here is my dream job”, she whispered to herself.

She then realized she had been away from the grave reality of her life for few hours. She closed her eyes. She didn’t get out of her room after the last incident. Would she ever be able to stand in front of them? As she starts thinking about her next encounter with her relatives and parents, her throat starts closing up. “I may not be able to say a word after this.” Once the box is open, her mind couldn’t stop wondering about it. “I bet they think it is an iniquity. That it was a disgrace to speak what you have in mind. Is it how it works though? I was a melody in the box. Well, the music that outflowed wasn’t in their liking. And yet, it was still a melody.” As her rambling and her real life becomes at peace, she realized how much little she had spoken. She didn’t say it all. She still has a lot in mind. She felt all the indignation she had kept to herself just for the sake of not saying anything. For the best picture people had of her. But in retrospect, it doesn’t actually feel it worked at all. It was all a ruse at her cost. She doesn’t even remember why she stopped saying anything in the first place. As much as it sounds good to hide in the box and give away such a composition, a melody, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. But this doesn’t mean she is going to use all the words after this. Sometimes, saying nothing says the most anyway. That is also using your voice in sorts. “I am a melody. I live in my own box. My music is sometimes bad. But also good at times. It’s all about a good composition anyway. Who then could tell the bad from the good?” She shouted this in her mind. Then she opened her door and faced the world. Well, at least the people in the next room!

The Longest Minutes of Life

Under the valley of mist,
In the blur of my imagination,
There I wonder!
Would words be enough?
Would tears suffice?
To show the ache inside
To tell the story behind.
To face my doubts of existence in life!
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever survive the longest minutes of life?
Will it be over?
Or worse?
Or just a dreadful nightmare?
Will I ever long for my existence?
Or just the end of it?
Am I always gonna be the coward?
Coward for hope?
Coward for life?
Whatever I’m gonna be,
Just let me be.
For you, it might be minutes.
But for me, it’s so long-
It feels like years.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started