Why don’t I care?
Why don’t I fervour
A tomorrow, better?
A future, brighter?
Because,
The world of words
Couldn’t bear the heaviness
Of all the days
I’m forced to endure.
For I died many times, now,
I live on the add on
Of the residue days.
Or so it feels.
As if my existence
Is a mere indolence
Of the unwrapped folds.
I found an ocean-
A peaceful ocean called sorrow.
And I’m drowning,
Drowning into it!
I don’t know if the gravity is pulling me down,
Or if I just let the ocean sucking me into it.
But I’m drowning,
Along with my tears,
Into the bottom of the abyss!
Why do you keep following me?
Why can’t you give me a break?
Can you just stop speaking-
Stomping and squeaking on my heart?
Would you stop whispering?
To the depth of my soul?
Are you planning to spare me for a repair?
I bet it is your desire,
To bury me alive.
Are you my shadow?
Is that why you keep following me?
And for some reason, it feels that way.
I can’t touch you,
Or hear you.
But I can see you-
Behind my back ,
Waiting for devouring my whole self!
Here’s the weird thing though-
For you to be a shadow,
Light is supposed to be there, right?
Ofcourse, not a full bright light,
May be a spark of light, perhaps.
Is that the case?
Oh my Despair!
Can you just talk?
A word can do.
Can you tell me what you’re?
Or who you’re?
Can you do me a favor?
Stop haunting me like a ghost,
And reveal yourself to me.
I honestly don’t know what I would do, then.
But you know- curiosity.
Whoever/whatever you’re,
Can I know where you are?
Oh my Despair!!
And, do you mind?
Just leave me alone!
Atleast for a while.
I’m not asking,
I’m rather begging!
Just give me a break,
A day perhaps!
Dedicated to all of us who are in despair!!
Are you okay, today?
Have you been okay in a long while?
Nah, don’t tell me that!
I’m not asking about-
Yesterday or last week or month.
I’m asking you about today,
Are you okay?
It’s always easy-
Simple to talk about what you’ve gone through before
It feels nice to say I struggled,
Rather than I’m struggling.
It’s easy to feed our ego-
That we ain’t losers.
Rather we are fighters.
But, here’s my question-
Are you okay?
Are you good now?
What are the fights you’re losin’?
What are the battlefields you’re failing at?
What are the things-
That are draining you out?
Sucking every piece of life out of you?
What’s that one thing-
That encircles your mind?
Attacking your thought system?
Aching your heart?
If you’re wonderin’
Why I’m asking all these,
It’s all because I want you to know,
Here I’m-
Fighting to take the next breath,
Questioning my entire existence.
And here’s my honest answer-
For my own question.
I am so not okay!
It’s been a long while since I was okay.
And I’m not okay today either.
I know it takes everything inside of you-
To declare that outloud,
To say that you’re weak,
To admit that you’re losin’
But just know that you’re not alone!
I bet so many people are not,
I think they mastered the art of pretending, perhaps!
It’s easy to talk about old days, right?
About your past?
How you were strong back then?
But, let me break it to you-
It’s already in the past.
Today is a new day,
New challenge, new struggle!
And today matters!
All the feelings you’re feeling ,
Right now, at this moment,
They matter!
You don’t need validation from others!
It’s your thought,
It’s your feeling.
That’s all that matters.
And I hope you get the courage,
To say that you’re not okay!
Outloud, at least to someone.
And remember,
It’s okay not to be okay.
It’s fine to feel weak.
It’s fine to lose all the optimism.
It’s okay to fight.
It’s okay to struggle.
Try to hang in there!
It has been said,
Misery loves company!
But here’s the thing-
My misery loves seclusion!
Until I feel like myself-
Or lock my misery in a box,
Act like normal again,
I will enjoy my lonesomeness!
My misery hates inclusion.
It hates to let people in.
So if I’m trying to avoid you-
Or hide from you-
It’s nothing personal.
It’s not you!
It’s just me wallowing in my misery,
Drowning in my sorrow,
Enjoying my hot tears down my cheeks.
So please be patient!
Don’t leave, just wait.
I will be back,
When I feel like myself again!
Until I find a way to give you a seat in my misery,
Just bear with me.
But for now,
It’s me and my misery-
My misery and me!!
P.S. It’s okay to disappear until you feel like you again!
I’m on the floor of dark ocean!
The darkest and the lowest.
The great abyss!
I don’t know if there’s more-
More to the darkness,
More to the drownin’
More to the pain.
I don’t even know how I got here.
I’m not a swimmer-
But here I am in the deepest water.
Did I throw myself?
Did the ocean devour me?
But I know nature loves me-
Is that why he took me away?
It doesn’t matter though, does it?
The reality is I’m already here!
Not there!
What’s next then?
Do I swim?
Wait, should I learn to swim in here?
Or should I just sit?
It hasn’t killed me yet,
So should I give it a moment?
To take away my breath?
Should I rather try to find light?
But how?
Everything is dark.
Nothing is there!
Emptiness is the ruler!
You’re probably wonderin’
It must be quiter then,
Believe me it’s not!
I can hear the void screaming-
Shouting out loud!
How am I supposed to search for light when the darkness is hovering?
Can I avoid the abyss from absorbing me?
Can I really do that?
I wish for a hand to appear?!
Or someone to throw me a flashlight-
May be an anchor,
For me to hold on-
Something to grab on.
But, not later- sooner,
Sooner would be better.
May be, just may be-
The fragment of me could become survivor!
P.S. my fellow friends who are in the great abyss, try to hang in there!! Best of luck✌
When I write,
I just write!
I’m just letting out my feelings-
My tormenting, bitter emotions.
Can a writing actually suck them out?
Just because you lay it out on words,
Or you find the words to say what’s in your mind,
Would it make it less painful?
Would it make it less gruesome?
I don’t know- I really don’t!
But when I write-
I write my heart out.
May be the world would listen my ink,
Unlike gaslighting my thoughts.
May be my words have chance.
A chance to be heard-
A place to act out!
So when I write,
I just write!
Not for social convention-
Or validation,
Or moral values either.
All I know is-
My words are authentic!
Genuine and original.
So when I write-
I just write!!
I am on a quest-
Identity quest, of course!
Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Do I belong somewhere?
Not just in mother earth?
Even in the whole universe?
But then, when I come to think of it?
Do I really wanna know?
Would I like the answer?
Would I found my place?
What if I don’t?
What if I become lonely forever?
What if I don’t belong anywhere?
Would I find someone who loves the ‘me’ beneath the surface?
What if any of the planets-
Or the sun, even the moon doesn’t want me?
Am I up for rejection?
All I know is this-
Just for the sake of curiosity-
I would like to finish the quest!
On second thought though,
May be all I need is an island-
Where my solitude would be my companion,
The deep blue ocean my forte,
Where the meadow is my bed!
Where the flowers are my babies,
And the tall trees, my haven!
If that’s the end of the quest-
The search for a place where I call home,
Then I am on the quest-
My own identity quest!!
P.S. For all the people out there, who don’t feel like they have home✌
If I could fall for a voice,
I would definitely fall for a white noise.
The soft, soothing sound of the rain.
Whether it’s a drizzle,
Or stormy hurricane,
The comfort of rain!
The beauty of rain!
It pauses the world for once,
The silence, oh the silence!
I always wonder,
Why people are afraid,
Hide even when rain comes.
Isn’t it just a drop of water?
Believe me, I’m glad they did.
But I can’t help it
I keep wondering!
Oh how I love rain!
Nature crying out!
Pouring every drop from the windows of the sky,
Relieving the upset clouds-
And soaking the dry ground.
That’s why, I can always relate-
Nature should let it out too,
Clouds should let go too, perhaps.
And sometimes that’s what we need!
Cry it out brave heart!
Cry your soul out!
Can’t promise the pain will fade,
I just hope – only wish,
It will unload some of your deep ache-
The pain you can’t even put in words!
P.S.- To all those who are crying their heart out! Remember, you’re crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes you should just let it out😊
It has been said, knowledge is power.
Power to open the gates.
Albeit, it’s the edge of the abyss.
The more you know-
Specially about yourself,
The more disgusted you become.
Layers become thin,
And dark thoughts reign.
That’s when it becomes clear,
Apparently, ignorance is bliss!
My world is a wreck now-
Happiness has become a mirage.
The mountains I used to hike,
Are now full of darkness.
And at the top, misery flows.
The beach I once dreamt,
Is full of regrets,
Enough for me to drown.
I don’t know how to shut it off .
It all led to depression foothills.
Filled with hatred and envy.
All is lost now.
The world of my dreams is broken.
Can’t even remember what it looked like then,
And now it’s all broken!
If today was my last day on earth,
I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
‘cause today or tomorrow,
Yesterday or the day after tomorrow,
It’s all the same.
How could I regret a single day only?
When all the days are full of regrets.
I regret every decision I’ve made.
I regret every single day I tried to fi t in,
I regret the changes I made to myself-
Just to be accepted by the world.
The world didn’t deserve any of it.
No one deserved it.
So, no regrets for the last day.
Nothing special, just ordinary.
Just like the other days,
That should make it easy,
That would take the pressure,
Any day could be the last day!
Have you ever felt like talking your heart out?
Saying every word inside your head?
Shouting out all your thoughts?
Pouring every venom out of your blood?
If that was only easy?!
But then, reality hits different!
If you mimic your dark thoughts outloud,
If you pour your heart out,
If you get to the bottom of your pain,
What then?
It takes every bone inside you-
Just to say it outloud,
To be vulnerable,
To say that you’re weak.
But again, what then?
People often wonder-
Why you bottle up,
Why you don’t give it a try?
They even assume,
That you don’t trust them?!
But here’s my question-
Are you sure you want to be part of my worst days?
To be part of my darkest memories?
To impart my abstract, yet terrible thoughts?
Are you sure you want to see the broken pieces of my heart?
You’re not planning to use it as a sword, do you?
Or a stone to crush the remnants of my brokenness?
Can you promise not to stab me with the one thing I buried deep?
Would you please not use my thoughts against me?
Or should I just choose to be courageous?
For once, should I let go off my bottle-
And break it into pieces?
Just to let you in?
To have you around,
And inside?
This is my sophie’s choice.
I don’t know which to choose,
Or let go.
I just hope, or wish-
I would be courageous.
And this time, I hope it’s not wrong!
#Footnote: This is dedicated to all the people who struggle to choose vulnerability or bottling up every single day of their lives. I hope you would choose vulnerability [courage] today! And I wish you would find the rarest people to let you be who you really are!
Some days are blessed,
Full of bliss.
Full of hopes and energies.
Those days are short,
Time runs fast-way too fast.
Earth ran along the axis,
And it will be over before you know it.
Then, river of misery follows
It brings confusion and exhaustion to the shores.
The destination being the abyss,
The town of uncertainty, fear and pain-
And of course numbness.
All at once- tie your hands,
Shackle your legs,
Trapping your feet.
No escape,
No other destinations.
Just wait for the river of bliss,
To push you back to the valley of happiness!
Lately, that has become my forte.
My speciality, even.
When someone asks me what I’ve been doing,
Or what I’m doing right now,
Here’s my answer;
Nothing, literally nothing.
Unabridged Manuscripts 