The Real Angst


If I killed myself today,
I wouldn’t be alive tomorrow, right?
For living is an art
Dying must be a fine craft.
But, if I didn’t know how to live,
How would I know how to die?

If I were to kill myself now,
Would I be able to breathe later?
Knowing that I have held my breath for a while,
My last sigh should falter through my soul.
But, if I didn’t know how to breathe now,
How will I give out my last sigh?

If I were to live in the now,
Would I die in my past?

If I were to die in my memories,
Would I live in my present?

If I killed all the ifs,
Would I finally get my respite?

If I lie to love life,
Could I start to hate death?

If I stopped asking questions,
Would I begin to live?
Or would I start to die?

If I were to kill myself today,
I wouldn’t be alive tomorrow, right?

To the Lighthouse


Vainly, I followed the scent of life.
I traced the meaning of existence.
I broiled in the sea of freedom
To exploit the exempt from chains.
Yet, all was in vain.

For my stoned soul,
And my irretrievably lost self,
I recite my sad verses.
I sigh in sheer darkness
The loss and the burns
Of whatever was there
Imagined or realized.

For all the failed attempts
Of trying to speculate
The meaning of life,
I laid off the strife,
And I send myself off,
To the lighthouse at the reef.
To rotate and revolve
The constant lights
On all stumbles and the loss.
Perhaps, in a hope
To see the dark knots
With the broad lights.

[Maybe I’m hiding.
Or else, denying.
All the failures
And the trials.
Yet, in my lighthouse,
All is in peace.
In absolute silence.]

So I would say…

All was in vain.
All in mere insanity.
All for nothing.
And all for none!

Cynic Heart


From the depths of betrayed trust,
Unbecoming fright
Of feeling left out,
Unloved and abandoned,
My cynic heart utters
The pessimic fret,
The sarcastic tunes,
And the unending jokes.

My wounded heart is plagued
In regrets and resents
For ever believing
And confiding
In anyone else, but not I.
And it sighs
A deep, sad sigh
Brewing a cynic chime.

My beckoned heart is antagonized,
For being a human once,
For uncomplicated existence,
For having a finesse,
Unyielding passion for living.

Now I sing along
The cynic mantras.
I chant the the rues
And overflowing despises.
Just to flaunt the distance,
The miles I walked
From the rest of the world,
And my old self.

Yellow Morning


The sun simmers.
The light glazes.
The day awakens,
At full brightness.
And the morning shreds,
The half gazes into full.

In a yellow morning,
I feel my pupil widening,
My thoughts, abiding,
To see beyond the scars,
The wrinkles and the grazes,
Into a full ambiance,
And a genuine bliss.

A 4 Minute Song


It’s a 4-minute song.
My life, everything.
This nuisance.
Also, the reverence.
It began abrupt.
And it will halt quickly.
The interlude shifts.
The pendulum alternates.
All the excitement.
All the pain.
It’s all confided,
In a 4 minutes song.

And all in the while,
As it enfolds before me,
I close my eyes,
I sway and waltz.
I shut off my mind,
And heed it in my soul.
Feel it within the anchors of my heart.
For it quickly ends,
Before it even begins.


Unclipped Wings


My wings are unclipped, now. I can see my wings spread. I think I can fly.

“If you haven’t forgotten how to,” her inner voice deliberately reminded her. She can’t go on and give her a little speech now. She is cheaply optimistic. Naively driven. To fly. To let go of everything and just fly.

The last time she could fly was in her cage. She never knew who got the lock of the key. All she knew was she had to practice fluttering her wings before she forgot how to do it at all. Her cage of sadness was unlocked, rather dissolved, a while back. She couldn’t tell how or why. She was out in the air all of a sudden. 

She considered building her cages back. Maybe erect them loose in case she regretted their existence. Because freedom smelled like a trap more than a locked cage. The air suffocated her being. The possibilities drove her wild. She, yet, didn’t know how to live in the open after living in the shadow of all the eyes that have been gazing at her. She killed them all. She drowned them in her sadness. Maybe that’s why her cage dissolved. Pain never disappears, it abides in others. 

After a while, she went back to her cage. She never left it, to be enitrely honest. She never built the bars back either. In her imagined reality, she was still in the cage behind the bars. Truly enough, they existed for her. No one gazes at her now. No one is there. She is truly alone. Whether imagined or real.

But, today. Today is a new day. She can see her unclipped wings. She can see herself soaring beyond the heavens. She is neither happy nor sad. She is just optimistic. And she burst her imagined reality into disperse. 

Her inner voice yelled, “You can’t fly, you can only flutter.” But these efforts are proven useless. She thinks she can fly now. It is just a matter of time before she discovers whether she can or not. 

C’est la vie


I suppose I am happy, as well.
Across the myriad of sadness,
An unsorted kaleidoscope of fickleness,
Amidst the converged painful thoughts and memories,
I am doomed, nay, destined to embrace,
My imbibed happiness.
For however long it may be,
Once or twice, or just sometimes.

If it weren’t for the loss of accuracy,
An exact equivalence for what is what,
A mere loss of definition,
I would have certainly known,
Rather than suppose,
Or pry and wonder.

Nevertheless, today, now, here –
I reckon I am in vigour.
In undaunted revere.
For I can see beyond the despair.
[For now, perhaps]

The Dried Ink


Under the burden of yesteryears,
Beneath the shadow of the past,
We embark on to re-write,
The tales of the gone,
The chronicles of our fate.

Yet!
And yet, all for a failed attempt!

What has happened,
Cannot be changed.
Nor can be erased.
For the ink has dried,
The brushstrokes have halted,
The story has sequeled.
Not a breath to be redrawn,
Not an inch to be slighted.

Life, nonetheless, went on.
Burying the past,
In the awe of the present,
Life moves on,
While we hang on
To the nostalgic beyond.


Conflicted (2)


I do not live,
Or believe,
In intense life.
I wish not to pound,
The days harder than oughted.
I love and live,
In passive acquiescence.
And, that –
That helps to ease,
Into the days I dread.

Yet, I overthink
And contemplate everything.
Wondering if it was intended
Or coincided.
Was it unconnected,
Or all unified?

Yes, I’m conflicted.
For the wars in my head,
Are unyielding.
Only thriving,
To invade my soul,
And devour me whole.

Long Days, Short Life.


As much as I hate to admit it,
I’m imprisoned.
Shackled and tied,
To the habits I once pursued,
The days I once conquered.
My freedom, yet, confined,
Spreads through my words.
Thrives in my utterance.
For the days are too long,
To be held in bounds,
But, life is too short,
To forfeit the limit.

It’s all a Story!


“It’s cracking,” she said in a mundane tone. 

“You do realize the clock is ticking, then,” said Dolly lifting her legs upon the chair. “I see you are making yourself rather comfortable.” Angel continued. “So what?! I built myself a home at the top of a tree, and I knew the tree was hanging only for two decades or more. Sue me, I love life with an expiry date.” 

“Yes. Yes. You symbolized a house at the top of a tree to mean what? That you’re a misanthrope? No…no, that you’re a philanthropist and this was you doing the world a huge favor?!”

“Ha ha, Dolly! I do not condone your sarcasm. I will never expose my secrets of why I built my own house. I wish to see you boil yourself in prospected theories of why I did what I did.”

“Oh, shut up. This is not the time for drama.”

“For shame, Dolly. For shame! In the last 23 years, we have made our lives great with drama, enlightened speeches, and great judgments of ourselves. And now we are at the end, you wish to leave me stale?! Is that what you are up to?”

“I am not one for avoiding drama, of course. But I am, for once, denying denial. We can be sentimental or true to our innermost thoughts since we are literally to fall apart by falling down from this tree.”…Another huge crack broke Dolly’s speech and the floor. They are hanging slightly now. Yet, both seem comfortable at their post. Dolly is hugging the book she was reading for the last time. She folded her arms tightly around the book, almost hugging herself. She can hear her heart racing. But she is not scared of death. She was never scared of death. ‘Dying is the most natural thing in this world,’ was the title of her old notebook. She romanticized death and passion way too much back then. But right now, she figured her body is only reacting to extenuating circumstances around her.

“Okay, if we were to deny denial right now, what would you suppose to say?” Angel inquired. 

“I would ask you a series of questions.”

“Like what?”

“Why do you like stories?”

“Because, the universe is made of stories, not atoms.”

After a bit of a gasp, Dolly continued to ask. “Were you ever part of your own stories?”

“In those, I wrote or the one I lived?”

“Whichever?”

“In the one, I lived in, I was barely part of it. For the most part, I was an outsider. A third person to the moments and happenings. I am usually too passive to take part and be present while happening. I bet if I was ever part of the stories I wrote, I was the gutless, cowardly creature whom every reader would hate.”

“I don’t see much of a difference between you and your characters, then? Did I misconstrue?”

“I cannot tell. I believe my character would be more alive because of the ink that traced her in great detail. I, on the other hand, is the unfinished piece where the idea of me is alive only in the head of the artist. While in reality, I am the portrait you would never show to anyone else.”

Dolly closed her eyes and tried to compose her next question. It felt like she is stalling the last hours with words. And then she heard it. The rain is starting to pour on their hanging home. ‘This is it,’ she thought to herself. All of a sudden, her mind was engulfed with nostalgia. Rainy days were always her favorite. “Do you think the self is a misconception of our own perception?” She almost whispered the question while resting her neck on the couch.

“Oh, yes. More often than not, I think we perceive ourselves in the wrong. Ideally, in a way we would like to be perceived. Or the right standards as put by someone else. I don’t think we ever managed to get close to our true selves no matter how hard we try.”

“Do you think, then, the perception of others about us is true”

“Well, I think that is the paradox. Who are the others? If you ask your nemesis, your menace would suffocate you till you die. If you asked your friend /lover, your flaws would be overlooked greatly.”

“What if you asked both?” Posed Dolly.

“Huh?! I have never considered that. But yeah, why not?”

A lengthy silence splashed in the room. The room is getting cold. The rain is creating a rhythm with the air, the earth, and all the unfallen things in the room. Both are humming a song without opening their eyes. 

“Why do you think they build ledges if it weren’t for jumpers?” Angel laughed at her own thoughts. 

Dolly slightly smiled and said, “There are few who seize their days at the last minute, perhaps.” She smirked.

“Carpe Diem, indeed” nodded Angel. “Isn’t life more of letting go, though, rather than seizing?” She added after a while. The crack is extending fiercely. Quickly. They are looking at each other, their tiny home for the last two decades, and then the town. It is awfully quiet. The rain is getting stronger, now.

“I would like to believe it is both,” said Dolly after a while of contemplation. “Or maybe you seize while letting go. I don’t think there is ever a moment where you ultimately be one of the two.”

“Hmm…that is probably true.” Angel conceded.

The room is empty now. They are probably left with few minutes. They are both wondering whether to speak or to absorb the moment as it is. “Moment of Candor,” Dolly broke the silence. “Solitude was never the enemy. It was the isolation that was brutal. I often think we, probably, judged ourselves harshly. And I think we could have managed to obtain solitude without necessarily isolating our lives in its entirety.”

“Was that what you intended to say at the last minute?” Angel arranged her spectacles.

“Not per se,” Dolly hesitated. “I think it has been dawning on me for more than a while I think.”

Angel quietly sat on her couch. She is not hyped as she was few hours ago. She is just there, also not there simultaneously. 

The next day, the magazine was read as follows:

An elderly tree has been found fallen as a result of the heavy rain from yesterday. According to the reports, a woman was found dead while hugging a book inside. The neighbors couldn’t recognize this woman even though it has been apparent she lived in that tree for more than two decades. The posthumous notes found have shown that the woman kept every record of her life including the very last minutes. A heavy box was also retrieved which was labeled as “It is all a story!” 

Reaching Paroxysm


For a life entrapped in life,
Suffocated by the chains
Of the liveliness of the days,
Surrounded by the blazes
Of the rays and shines,
My life is entrapped
And entangled
In life itself.
For I’m about to die
Only and solely
Because of
The life enmeshed
Around my head.

In the ironic realization
Of reaching a paroxysm,
The ultimate cause of death,
Is, perhaps, life itself.
And death is the virtue
We endowed our life overdue
To really live, after all.

Aversion


Averted to life.
Obviated from the falls and triumphs.
For so much has forsaken,
Much more is taken.
For nothing in return.
Only a void in caisson.
Holding empty hopes,
And naive optimism,
For she[life] has blazed
Through the fire
Only to be contained
In a coffer of ashes.
Only to remain
Averted.
Dismayed.
And taken aback
From what holds the now.

Life: Wander|Despair|Wonder.

In wander,
We stroll and discover,
The ebbs and flow
Of a portal, called life.
Life led to wander,
But what is lost in wander
Is irretrievably dispersed
In the realm of despair.

Despair indulged
The roar and flares
Of remnant life.
Indulged and forfeited
Every bit of the traces
To ever find back
The existing tracks.
Of life, or Wander.

What is lost in wander,
And diffused in despair,
Is buried, but alive in wonder.
For, now, life is a series of figment
Of ideation and daydreams
Of what once had been,
Or never been,
Nor ever could be.

In wonder,
Life is a splendor.
It thrives and sprue.
Through words and art
Or rhythms and thoughts.
For no imagination
Is to be torn and worn
In this land of grandeur.

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