Many of us think Motion is what makes us alive. Something moving or twitching, even Then it’s alive. Who cares about the inside? Who cares about the filth he’s carrying around? As long as it’s moving.
But- If that’s how it works, Are you gonna tell me that trees are dead? Just because they’re motionless? Trees don’t move, yeah. That wouldn’t make them less alive though. They’re alive more than any of us. With their graceful appearance, Breathing out life- Breathing in the intoxicating air of ours. Yeah motionless, but alive!
What makes life peculiar? Or death bizarre? All of us are drawn into- Curiosity of the unknown!
You know what makes us abstruse about life? Why we wonder about the universe? Why we are here? Why we all came here and all? Because we’re being drawn to the unknown. Just like a moth to light! We just ran into it, Without thinking about it, We all flew into it.
Here’s what makes me wonder though- If we are drawn to the unknown, Why not death, too? If it’s all about curiosity, We know nothing about the great beyond either. No clue or hint. Amazingly, we know that it’s inevitable- None of us are gonna escape from it anyway.
It’s easier though, right? To make yourself believe, That life would get better rather than- Facing the real challenge and pain.
Now, it’s hard for me- To say unbeknown is a factor here. We’re always in wonderin’ That life is gonna be better. Even when we know nothing about it. We think that life is a winner, Even when it actually isn’t.
My stand is though, I have far more curiosity, For Mr. Death than Ms. Life. I wonder how the great beyond looks like!
Everything starts with a step, they say. You wanna get to the rooftop, Then, definitely, take a step! You want to reach the first floor, Then, take a step. One step, a single step. One day at a time!
I wonder though- If this is really how it works for wounds, For healing or recovery, Would that work? Or is it an imagination?
After being smashed down, Broken apart and fallen into pieces? Would that work on you too? When the last thing you own, The last thing you possess, Is your own brokenness, Would it work?
Can fragments actually build a wall? What are you gonna do with the pieces? Are you planning to plaster them? Just like puzzles? Would that actually work? How do you know the next piece, Is actually that comes next?
So, then what? Are you planning to smash it even more? Then, you can start all over again?! I am not an experiment! I am a Human, Broken, but still human! I feel pain with every smashin’!
Okay, let’s say it does work. What kind of wall do you wanna build? Wall of fragments!? A wall that can’t handle a tiny blow? A little storm, even.
Where in the world did you see- Recycled things to be bold? Let me break it to you! It’s just a delusion. Perhaps, an imagination. The ‘idea of building a wall from fragments’?! What’s the point of trying so hard? Just to see it falling down, All over again? I honestly don’t know!
They say, YOU are everywhere, There’s no place that YOU won’t be, There’s nothing that can hold YOU back, They say YOU can overcome every battle and war, They say YOU’RE never late. Isn’t this enough, then? My own silence is disturbing me, even. The one thing I loved most. Can silence make noise? Can silence be so disturbing you want to stop it? Can silence be so irritating? The one thing I cherished. Did YOU take that away from me? Did YOU have to do that too?
I want to scream, I want to yell and say- Where are YOU? Are YOU even listening? Are YOU even looking? But I can’t. All I can do is to scream, but silently. And believe me, that’s the worst. But the hope is- May be YOU would listen to that. May be YOU would hear to my silent screams. I hope YOU do!
Winter is followed by spiring, Just like darkness is followed by light. Is this my winter season? Is that why misery becomes my friend? Is that why my tears are flowing? Is the spring coming? Will I see the Daffodil season? Will I be alive by then? Would I survive the stormy hurricane? Is the spring coming to my rescue? Or am I just a lost cause amidst the chaos?
Here’s my only request then, I would be happy if I could see a single Daffodil. That’s my one and only request, My last word, perhaps!
They say, war is hell! True, it really is. I’ve never been in one- But I can imagine, One person using a weapon on another, Where humanity actually dies, Ideology matters more than lives. Of course war is hell! I’ve never been in one. I mean the actual one. I never had a weapon or gun, I don’t have holes and scars ’cause of war.
But here’s what I know; There’s a war inside my head. My mind has become a battlefield since forever, I don’t exactly know what they’re fighting about, All I know is this. There’s a bloody war. Bloody enough to weaken every bone in my body, To suck out air from my every organs. This war in my head, It broke me apart into pieces. I’m in fragments now.
From what I gathered, The battle is about survival. Mr. Death vs Ms. Life. And I think death is winning, They say life is stronger. But when it comes to me, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. Death has gone too far, Life is chasing it right behind him. My unconscious world supports death- Bringing memories and proving death’s arguments. Telling to my conscious one, That it’s already been won. But for some unknown reason, Ms Life is still fighting it. I don’t know why though. This has taken long enough. I want it to end any minute now. Even if it ends now, I don’t know which fragment of me- Is still alive. So, I’m rooting for Mr.Death too. I wish he would win. Sorry,Ms. Life you’ve struggled enough, It’s better if you take a break now!
They ask who I am? Where I came from? Believe me, I’ve asked that question- Millions of times by now. I don’t think I have the answer now either, But here’s something close I came up with. I am a HUMAN! A collection of bones in a sack, With few muscles on the bones, And fluids flowing through it! I am human! Full of flaws and faults. Imperfect in so many ways. Weak, very weak! Weakened by multiple wars. And I’m lost. I am so lost, I don’t even know where I stand. I am someone who started a journey- Called life! But got lost amidst the adventure.
So that’s who I’m. When I look in the mirror, When I see my own reflection, This is what I see. Someone who has lost everythin’ Full of regrets and baggage, Tears and wounds! Just a bag of bones, Trying to stand straight- In front of the mirror!
I want to cry! Until my face is soaked with my own tears, I want to cry my eyes out, Until the pain inside my heart vanishes, Or lessens. I just want to sit on the floor, And I want to feel my tears on my thighs, On my knees. I want to drown in my own sorrow. I want to let it out.
But I don’t know how to. I know I’m grieving, Not for someone else. I’m grieving for my own soul! I thought I lost it, But I think it’s dead. So, I want to cry. But I don’t know how to. It feels like my eyes are too dry, I can feel my sorrow building up in my heart. I just don’t know how to let it out.
Would you teach me to cry? I want my tears to fade away my pain. I want my tears to make me feel better. Just like they used to. Please teach me to cry, If you do that, I promise I owe you big time, I’ll be eternally grateful, Just for making me cry!
Dedicated to all of those who want to cry but unable to cry!
I wish I could pause the world! I wish I could stop the time, Just for me! While everything is in chaos, Everything is in crisis, Where serenity is long gone, I just want to pause my watch- And think- just think! Take a break – From the people, Social conventions and duties. I wish there was a button, To pause everything, Just for a little while. Until I feel like myself again, Till I get the real inner peace inside of me, I want the whole world to pause! And I wish this time, The quietude would stay forever!!
I want to dissolve into the air, The thin, sweet air. Where I wouldn’t be visible, Where I wouldn’t be expected to be anything. Above the clouds, Where I wouldn’t see anything, Or hear anything! As if I’ve never existed before. Just air! Nothing less, nothing more!
There’s this scary building. It looks haunted! It’s too dark. Too many cracked walls, Faded paints, Broken windows and doors. I can guess how ancient it’s, From my vintage point.
It says it’s a storage room- For my own thoughts, emotions, fears and issues. I think I should go in. I wanted it to be abandoned. I thought that would destroy it. But, it’s flourishing. Few blocks are added, even After the last time I saw it.
So, what do I do now? Should I just go in? But I don’t want to. It’s really frightening. Besides, I’m too weak- Even to stand. I think crawling is all I’ve, Even if I want to! That seems exhausting. The thought of it is even exhausting.
They say face your fears- Issues and weirdest thoughts. But, here I’m standing- In front of it. And yet, I couldn’t. My fear is stronger, My emotions are way heavier. Even the thought of it, Is crippling me, even more!
What’s the point of entering then? How do I enter? Who is gonna push me further? I’m in pieces now- Which fragment of me can handle that? What if it destroys the remnant of me? Forever?! How do I recover from that? I honestly don’t know.
When I was in high school, our ethics teacher once asked us what we want to become in the future. Well, everyone said something. You know, the usual. They listed tons of ‘idealistic’ things. And ofcourse, most of them were related to career and profession. Yeah, some are actually doable. But most of it was ideal.
The funny thing was though, we didn’t get the core of the question. The intent of the question was who we want to become in the future. Personality, interest, attitude and all. The wholestic version of our being. Because his next question was, are you working on that person whom you want to see in the future.
Obviously, stating what you want to become is easy. Working on the type of person you want to be is another story. I think I can say this for everyone, we were surprised. Imagine bunch of hormone enraged teenagers! And almost all of us were clueless about where we are going. The tides around us were our tour guides. We went wherever they took us.
Now looking back, after four years, I don’t recognize who I’ve become. I thought the question actually challenged my view. I really thought I started working on my whole self. But sadly, I don’t think I was. Or I was doing it wrong, may be. One thing I know is that I didn’t want to become the person whom I’ve become now.
They say, it’s never too late. I really wonder about that mostly. But I want to challenge all of you with this. Who do you want to become? Where do you see yourself after a while? Then, after listing everything that comes to your mind, plan how to bring that person into the real world. No matter how much you enjoy your fantasy world, make a move to make it real! Take a lesson from me. Drowning in your sorrow and embracing your misery is not the very place you want to find yourself after few years.
Ask yourself this: which part of me should be trimmed? Which part of me should flourish? Which part of me should I get rid of? I ain’t sure about any of it. But work on the person whom you want to become! Who knows?! Tomorrow holds millions of possibilities. Life could make you turn all the way around even. Circumstances and situations are the things we can’t control. Just try to do your best on what you can actually control. Good Luck✌✌
Everyone is hurting. Some are bleeding, Some are covered with wounds. Or bruised – deeply bruised. The rest are full of scars. May be a visible, an actual scar- Or a mental and emotional perhaps. The point – we all are hurting! I think that unites all of us- Our own brokenness! We all are broken- In our own way, In our own scale.
And there’s an assumption- Or fact, possibly. Talking about your problem, Not just talking actually, Pouring your heart out, Knowing the depth of your wound, Opening up the covered wounds, Make them bleed a little or so. Peeking beneath the wounds, Looking throughly the scars, Just to make sure if there are unhealed parts. That would actually fix the problem, they say. For the healing to come- Reopening the wound is the first step. It’s one of the many steps to cure our brokenness!
Here’s my argument though, Is there any other way? Any other way out to find closure- Without actually reopening the wound? Any way that doesn’t involve talkin’? Or without knowing the depth of the pain. A different approach- To deal with your bruises? Can’t we give it a name without goin through it? All over again! Now, I’m begging, More than arguing. Would you please find a way? For us not to go through that again? Can you just suck the pain out? I really hope you could!
Inspired by ;
"I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me."
Have you ever felt like? Losing something you never had in the first place? The weird thing is- You already knew that someone is not yours. But may be, tiny part of you wanted it to be yours? Is that why it feels like this?
Science says, if you see something forthcoming- Guessed or wait for it to happen, And if it actually happens, It should obviously make you happy. Because, you’re right. Even though, you didn’t have the evidence Or any data to prove your point, It just feels nice to be right.
Why don’t I feel proud, then? I’ve seen it comin’ I’ve expected how it would go, My expectations were right. Why don’t I feel ecstatic, then? Rather than pain in my stomach?
Why does it feel like double abandonment? Why do I feel the pain in my every bones? Do I even have any right to feel the way I feel? I honestly don’t know!
This is what I know though, Whenever you feel this way, There’s a common sayin’ You have to move on, Just let it go! If you want to prospice, You have to let go of the past. Break the chains of the ancient, And stretch to grasp your front. Just let it go from your hand. As if it was planted in your hand¡ So what are you gonna do with your heart? Are you gonna cut off your whole heart out?
May be- I’ll never know the concept of letting go. I will never master the art of denying part of me. But, they say time heals everything. So, may be in time, I’ll sew my heart to other thing, And that way, I could save the fragment of me- From being lost in the pain or the past. May be, just may be- I won’t lose my whole heart- And myself for this!
Dedicated to all of those who felt rejected and unloved by the very people they want to be loved by!
P.S. this poem is NOT about someone whom I have a romantic relationship with!!
This is a kind of exhaustion that I hate most. It’s not a kind of exhaustion sleep could fix. It’s not a kind of exhaustion food would fix either. It’s like the exhaustion is injected to every part of my body and I can feel my whole body burning out of extreme tiredness.
And no matter how many words of comfort and ‘I’m proud of you’ statements people will offer to me just to make me believe that I am doing good, my head will refuse to accept the praises and acknowledgements. All my ears could listen to is how much drained I am, how every muscle in my body is in fatigue.
I can’t even bring myself closer to my whole being. I am not on my “me” time; it’s just that my brain can’t take other things, and I want a total silence – utter silence! I am not really sure if my brain would help me with that, I mean with the utter silence. But you know, I hope it will give me the peace I want to, just to get out of my exhaustion.
All I know is this; my soul want to escape from my whole body, just to find itself wherever that’s! What can I say? Good luck my soul and find your rest!!
Unabridged Manuscripts 