Decipher my Thoughts!

She walked out of her office thinking of her next few hours. Lately, her working hours are much more peaceful than the rest of her evening. She kept wondering what went wrong in the process. But she can’t pinpoint what it is exactly. Her thoughts have become a series of codes, she cannot even begin to understand them. Whenever she comes close to it, there he was, waiting for her with a smile, ready to disrupt her thoughts once again. The moment she is in the presence of someone she forgets her very own existence like a moth drawn to light only for utter destruction. The major work her mind focuses on would be imprinting a smile on her face and to nod along whatever is there on the conversation table. Or managing ideas that are actually out of this world, never near to reality nor the present life. But that is getting harder when her mind is filled with codes that should be deciphered into actual words.

In the last fortnight or so, she has been lost more than ever. Her insecurities and doubts have grown wild. It is not like she is a stranger for these things. They have been her special guests for a long. It might even be inappropriate to consider them as guests due to their prolonged stay. But now they have multiplied and grown, it is hard to control or not to be overwhelmed by them. Before she even get through this thought, the taxi reached her destination. She feels like walking in her sleep dragging her foot and yet she wasn’t even close to sleeping.

Out of nowhere, she remembered something she heard or read. “The brighter the lady shines, the faster she may burn!” The thought made her wince with a confused smile close to a burst of tears. She once was shining bright, maybe a little brighter than she had to. There again, she reached her destination. But she wasn’t quite ready to let this thought go. She entertained the person she used to be in the dimming light of the day. The quote couldn’t be more true. While she thought she was shining brighter than ever, she was burning to ashes. And she didn’t realize she lost more than half of herself until she was very close to losing her whole self in it.

His warm greeting woke her up from her thoughts once again. It wasn’t a pleasant distraction. He seemed to be energetic more than ever. He got the promotion he was hoping for so long. ‘Tonight, we are celebrating!’ He continued with the enthusiasm she envied. She gave him the best smile she could ever muster. ‘Congrats, you got the promotion?!’ She said, unsure of her wavering voice. ‘Better, I got the head editorial position…’ he went on and on. She didn’t realize her body was long gone until he called out her name again. ‘I’m listening’, she lied.

She has to do it tonight. This madness has to stop. She needs a break before her mind makes it demand and paralyze her body in total. It wasn’t just him. She needed a break from her usual activities. She wasn’t sure she was going to do it. But she has to before ruining the greatest night of his life. ‘How is telling him different from that?’, she wondered. But convinced not telling him would be much worse, she blurted it out. She didn’t even think of her word choices. ‘I can’t do this anymore!’ He was startled. ‘What can you not do?’ She saw a flash of hurt across his face. ‘I need a time, space…whatever, I need it all. I’m so sorry. I just can’t.’ She is not thinking. If she was, she wouldn’t have the gut to say it. The hurt has changed into anger. He is ready to blast any moment now. ‘I do not understand. I will never understand you for that matter.’ He sighs and muttered something she couldn’t quite get. ‘What do you want? Do you even know what you want? Why do you keep shutting the world out? No, no! Why do you keep shutting me out? I have tried to get you. And I did. You are okay, now. Your past days are behind you. Why do you indulge in them again and again?’

He pushed some button she never knew she had. Her face was downright flushed. ‘I am okay?! How do you even know that? What do you know about being okay? You know what, I’m not even going to say more. I don’t need space or time. This is what I need. I don’t wish to see you ever again. Do not say anything!’ She took a deep sigh for she said it all in one breath. She picked her bag up along with herself and said, ‘you think you are so smart. So full of knowledge, about me, my emotions. Here is something for your thought then. If you think you’re so smart, decipher all the notes I left looking out for help! You were ‘the only smart one’ to figure that out. And yet, here we are! Goodbye!’ She runs out of there. Despite the rising anger on her chest, she felt a hint of sadness inside.

As she got to her house, she scribed the words- ‘deciphering my thoughts.’ That would be the only thing she would do in the next few hours, weeks, even years!